Saturday, August 10, 2013


RICHES - A STATE OF ONIONS


Shakespeare wrote,“Sweet are the uses of adversity”. He went on to add “The one left alone in the jungle finds songs in streams”. God blessed him, he was born then. If here born in Rahul land (not yet registered in his name) he would have lamented ,”Poverty is a state of mind. The one left on road will find 'troubles' in 'vegetables' and 'tears in onions'.” Surprised! Till now, onions were giving tears when they were torn apart. Now, even before you stare at them they bring tears in your eyes. If you hear at what cost you can own an onion it might even bring tears in your ears too. Even if you want to meet a ENT physician, you might find his doors locked as, “who knows?” he might be searching for an onion to eat an onion dosa. His wife might be pricking him for not being able to earn an kilo of onions in his life and become an “Onionnaire'. Statisticians, research pundits and even IMF mandarins are all over India to check and find how many Onnionaires are in India. And then they compare this with the number of Onionnaires in USA and other developed countries. Finally, they might come out with an Onionneory (Theory on onions) and declare “Riches is a state of Onions”. At which the Prince might go to his mother and complain that his 'poverty theory' was sought to be debunked by the 'onion people' (read, rich people). His mother, already in tears in ears not because she cut onions but because of fear of loss of power, might say “Beta, find an onion to wipe the tears off my ears” at which the prince might be totally lost in thought what her 'state of mind was”.

They call the ever loyal servant of the family and ask for advice. At which he might suggest “We can think of an “Onion Security Bill” and create an “Onion Bank” for 2014 elections. Immediately the high level 'Onion Committee Meeting' is called for. The ever silent pseudo leader then suggests, “why not include tomatoes too, they too are bleeding”. At which every one laughs ( as is their habit, whenever he talks) except the mother of the prince who could not hear what he silently said because of .the tears in her ears. Her state of mind is now on “how to reap benefits from the tears the onions are causing”. They talk about the state of onions and how to 'onion' (retain) power again. Onionix (a la Asterix), the leader of the Committee suggests an 'onionance' for 'Onion Security' be issued. At which, it was decided by a 'mute vote' that an onionance be issued 'post haste' to see that people (67% of them exactly) do not suffer from 'onionomnia, a disease caused by lack of onions. So it was decided to supply five small rotten onion pieces to each of the 67% population that might cost a meager 5% of GDP including the 4% commissions and omissions in the distribution. To see that the bill is passed in the Parliament, it was decided to bring all parties on table with “onionail” (like blackmail) or “onionultations”( like consultations). With profound satisfaction that this would change the game for 2014, the meeting was adjourned.

In fact, somebody said independence day was that day on which 'women can walk on roads' during midnight too. If he were born today, he would have declared, “If you own an onion that is real independence” If you don't know what people from Andhra Pradesh talk to their leader when they get an onionentment (like appointment) with her, read this. She says, “There is no going back on the decision on Telangana”. The leader of the delegation says, “ Madam, we came here to ask for a kilo of onions each for us poor leaders” At which she retorts, “Then we shall keep the state united, go tell your people”. They come out and declare “Amma' accepted their demand. At which a delegation from the other region might go there and repeat the 'onionail” tactic. Unable to say anything she agrees to their demand. While the leaders from both sides celebrate, people from each side throw 'papers' at them to ask their resignation, as they don't find tomatoes, onions or eggs to throw. Leaders make kites of the papers and fly them singing, ' Thank Onion, We need not resign”, each side in their own tune. Onion sometimes helps wipe tears from the eyes and ears of leaders.

When Onionaikars (people of Onion Town, like Mumbaikars) go to the “No Onion' restaurant and order an Onion Dosa, the waiters and owners laugh in unison so much so that it brings tears in the eyes of customers. Then the waiters bring “Plain Dosa” and they eat them under the mistaken impression that the tears were caused by the 'onions' in the dosa. If the author of “Adventures of Tintin” were born today in India he would have penned (on his Lap Top) a series of comics “Adventures of Onion” and would have earned a billion of onions by now and would have topped the list of “Onionnaires” in the world. Any Roman born in Rome and brought up in India would tell you that an onion can change the “power equation'.

An entire “ Onion Gita' would have been taught by Lord Krishna to modern day Arjuna mistaking his tears were caused by onions. Our sages included “Onions” in Satvik food and advised believers to shun them as they could foresee things that one day India would be bereft of onions. That is why we adore them. If this trend continues Indians might become too “Satvik” in nature that they would have accepted killing of soldiers by Pakistan soldiers as a fait accompli and would have pardoned Antony and accepted Nitish Kumar's Assistant's theory that Jawans are recruited to be killed by onions.

If wives approach courts with a petition that they were being harassed by being asked to cut onions, the judges might not accept the petitions but instead laugh and ask the petitioners, “Where are onions? Show us', hoping they too can have an onion each, after all. “All are equal for onion” is what the 'Onion Act “says. It does not differentiate people on rich and poor, leaders and followers or on caste or religion. The best medication to cure communalism and casteism is “onion”. In future CAG might come out with loss figures in “onions” caused to exchequer by scanions. At which the ruling alliance might accuse the “opposition ” of throwing non-existent onions on them. But Onion Gate is there for true and the investigating agencies are in the process of calling all the Prime Minister's Onions as witnesses, to know if the PM knows anything about onions. But they might end up telling nothing as no one knows what he knows. He sits like a round onion with no emotions. After all what emotion can an onion show when it is not accessible to common man?

The erudite Minister in the cabinet might 'declare” the first class in air planes as 'onion' class and mock  at 'mango people' sitting in 'cattle class'. A day might come when the electorate in the largest democracy cry “Yes! We want “Onia” as our leader! As “Onias” are no more homegrown nor available here, we might again think of importing a leader for future too!


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N.B.: The blog was inspired by a center page column in the “Eenadu” (Telugu Edition) today by Sri Sankara Narayana. Though  most of the ideas were mine own, I was tempted to use his ideas at one or two places. I thank him for the very inspiring column on “Onion' titled “Onion Wars” (Ulli Kajjalu like Gilli Kajjalu”). Great piece by one of the greatest humorists in Telugu. Telugu knowing people may read it and laugh until they get tears in their eyes not caused by onion cutting but due to lack of onions.

Disclaimer: This is a humor 'blog' not intended to hurt anyone with an onion, as I cant afford them. If anyone wants to understand this otherwise than for fun might search for an onion in India and throw at me.