Tuesday, October 1, 2013


It has a typical “Bollywood” touch to it. The stage is all set for the marriage of convenience upstaging the marriage of love. From the blue, a Mr. Nobody appears in the marriage pandal and cries loud, “Stop the marriage. This is nonsense. It can not go on”. The stunned guests look bewildered.  By the time they recover their aplomb, the Mr. Nobody disappears without explaining reasons for his objection. He says, “ I have come here to say only this. Tear the couple apart and throw them away” and goes back to his work or whatever it is, even the RTI can not bring out.

Now, it falls upon the father of the bride who has been painstakingly defending the marriage of convenience to tell the truth to the guests. He tells the guests present there that Mr. Nobody is still young and unmarried despite attaining marriageable age and hence does not know the nuances of love and convenience marriages. “If you look minutely, both are the same. You remove the veil on the face of the groom and you will find that it is in fact the same guy my daughter has been in love.” And he narrates the love story that appears in the book “Ordinances and Ordinary non senses” authored by Mr. Jailbirds alias Five Cents.


The love started in a park full of green grass in 1990 when the groom attained fame and name and earned a good job. It was fully paying. Though short the boy had been very bright in his reflexes. They were meeting in the park and exchanging pleasantries and occasional costly gifts. One fine morning, an observant gardener observed that green grass in the park where the couple was meeting was fast disappearing. And soon other gardeners complained that grass in other parts of the park was also disappearing by an act of mystery. The bride took special interest in the subject of “Grass and grasshoppers who eat the grass on which they hop” and did a thorough research on it and obtained a Doctorate. Ultimately she found that her fiancée was eating the grass while simultaneously making love to her.

She developed an instant aversion to the boy and complained to her father who asked her not to jump to conclusions and convinced her “I would order an inquiry”. Years passed by. The boy was suspected, humiliated, jailed, bailed out and all kinds of abuses were hurled on him. The bride did not still lose love on him.  “Look through my eye glasses. Even if he eats grass he is still cute.” She muttered to herself and when she hopped on a train for a five year long journey in the year 2004 she asked him to drive her train and guard it from behind too.

And what a driver he proved to be? And what kind of a guard he had been. He took the train on fast track, earned laurels from business schools for his talks on the subject,” How to run a train on profitable lines without doing anything worthwhile”. The girl was enthralled. The journey continued. In 2009 she had to change her track and started looking minutely at the real story of her train journey for five years. She found that he only painted the train in bright colours but inside it were stinking toilets and torn out seats and berths. Because of this, the boy too lost popularity and became a persona non grata for both of them. So, they dumped him though the love saga continued behind the many gates.

Another four years rolled on. The father aged. He lost confidence in himself. He looked around for saviours to marry his daughter. He found her lover. He called and asked her to fall in love with him again. “How can I, dad? You ordered an inquiry. It is in final stages. It is proved that he ate the whole grass not only in the park where we met but in other parks too. And added to that your own sons are also involved in it and by oversight I too ate a little of it” the girl wailed. “Don’t worry, kid. I will arrange a marriage of the boy with you. You can always say it is an arranged marriage. Let us cover him with a veil.” And he brought a veil from the ordinance market. So the father and daughter conspired and convinced the boy that he would not be left high and dry and they would protect his honour come what may. “Only marry my daughter and save our honour.” The father asked of him. He agreed as he knew his fate depended on the ageing father of his love.  So, the marriage was about to be solemnized by the high priest when suddenly some estranged relations started making noises outside the pandal.

Now, we go back to the top. After the bachelor Mr.Nobody left the pandal and the father of the bride painstakingly defended the marriage all other relations loyal to Mr. Nobody who gave their silent consent to the marriage and all estranged relations outside started shouting, “It is a sacrilege”.” We can’t marry outside our own caste principles and he belongs to the grass eating clan.” Some anti-nationals cried that the whole clan was chewing grass even while calling the groom names. But they were shouted down by some media friends who came to cover the marriage with cameras and loud mouths..

The father too had to backtrack. He said “Now, the marriage can not go on.” And he advised the high priest to withdraw from there. The story is never ending. Now, a discussion started whether the bride’s honour was put at stake by calling the marriage “nonsense”. Some said “yes” Some said “no” Some very intelligent editors of news papers and talk show freaks of visual media  said “nonsense” was not a bad word and was said in “good spirit” The bride, who was usually silent as she always lived in the glory of her own researches still remained so and withdrew into herself totally. All lived happily there after.

Mr. Nobody, in the meantime, was lost in ‘his own state of mind” and devised plans to save the honour of the bride’s father and thought little about the silent bride and left her to her fate.


Disclaimer: This is satire intended to be smiled off. If you believe that there are 'humans' who eat grass I leave to your wisdom. By now, you know who the bride and the bride's father is. And you must be silently laughing about the bride. Mr. Nobody is known to all, though he remains Mr. Nobody forever hereafter,